Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
