At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
