Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
