I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
did you just send me my own nude
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
