So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
