i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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