Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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