i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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