I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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