You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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