I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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