Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
