You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
