I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
