This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
