I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
