My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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