Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
