Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
