I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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