If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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