How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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