Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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