I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
