hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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