There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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