News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
