one two three fourrrrnication!
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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