I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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