If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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