dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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