my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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