my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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