Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
