i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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