Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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