I think I won the penis lottery.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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