It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
