cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
