awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
