I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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