i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
This couple is walking their pig around campus
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
