I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
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