I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
