dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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