I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
