Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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