how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
