my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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