I only kidnapped one of them. chill
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
