I am puke
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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