he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
