Michael Bay diarrhea
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
