if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
