she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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