Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
