A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize